Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Sometimes I hurt

I wrote the following a few months ago when I was feeling down.  I posted it then, but took it down, because I'm kind of an introvert and I don't like people knowing too much about me.  I decided, after much thought, to repost it, in the hope that others who at times may feel this way, can know that they are not alone. This life can, and at times does, really suck.  But we all can make it through. I know it.

Have you ever been felt down?  For me, and I would assume there are others out there, this is an unfortunately cyclical event in my life.  Every few months, I experience a time of deep and lasting depression that seems to affect every aspect of my life.

Now, I don’t write this because I want people to feel bad for me, or to empathize or anything like that. This is strictly for informational purposes.  One of the things I do when I’m depressed is write.  I used to write all sorts of short stories and poetry.  So, for me, this is also serving as an outlet to hopefully make myself feel a little better.

Right now, I hate myself.  It’s not that I have any particular reason per se as to why, I just do.  I’m not sufficiently naïve to think that anyone else’s life is somehow easier/better than my own, I just don’t want to deal with being myself right now.

I’m disgusted by my body.  I’m not ugly or fat in my opinion, but I’m not what I’d like to be and that’s just as bad.  I have postherpetic neuralgia, which basically means I’ve had shingles in the past and the nerves that were affected by it continue to cause me pain.  This pain ranges from an annoyance, to a desire to tear my flesh from my body if that would help, and ranges in area from just my left arm to almost my entire left side of my body.  I’ve found a correlation between this pain and my depression.  I’m not sure if they’re connected, or if the pain is just more noticeable during these times, but there I am.  I also have a phantom pain in my intestinal tract that no doctor can diagnose.  After cat scans and a colonoscopy, the only thing that I know, is a whole list of things it isn’t. What a horrible waste of time and money all that was.

I’ve lost the desire to do anything.  I just want to hang around with my wife.  I have a really hard time finding the motivation to do anything worthwhile.  I play a lot more video games, not because I want to enjoy myself. They’re more of a way to hide from everything else I could or should be doing.

I also cry a lot, though I’d never let anyone see.  The tears are there and they are real, and they are bitter sad.  A song or a poem, or even a thought can set me off. Writing this is right now is making the tears well up.  I hate this so much.

The thing that probably bothers me the most, is my temper.  When I’m depressed, it usually also means I’m angry. I sometimes fear myself during these times.  I never really have a desire to hurt anyone or myself or anything like that, but I’d really like to punch something, and throw something, and smash something.  Just some useless destruction, yeah that’d be nice.  I snap at my wife and kids with little provocation. I’m extremely sarcastic and kind of a jerk.  No one deserves to be treated like that, especially your loved ones.

What really makes me upset about all of this is that I know it, yet I feel so powerless against it.  I can’t, no matter how hard I try, stop feeling this way.  It’s as if I’m in a pit, all alone and no matter how hard I try to get out, someone always throws me a shovel and commands me to dig.  And all I can do is beg and plead to anyone who’ll listen to let me out. But there’s no one there. There never is.

4 comments:

  1. Doesn't the church have solutions/help/answers for this type of thing?

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    Replies
    1. I'm not sure as to what you might be referring. Do you have ideas?

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    2. No, was asking. I would assume they do, but you would probably know better than I.

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  2. I admire your strength Rob.

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